You know you have been an expat in China too long when…
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN AN EXPAT IN CHINA TOO LONG WHEN:
– You find yourself crying over a menu in a western restaurant because they
serve potato salad
– You eat every kind of meat off the bone, and then spit those bones on the table
– Squatters make you dizzy, but you now believe, despite the smell, they are cleaner than western toilets
-You are tired of explaining that Africa is a Continent, not a country.
– You see nothing wrong with standing on a white stripe in the middle of a
highway while cars whiz past you at 90kph
– You don’t blink an eye when a complete stranger wants to take a photo of
you with his family
– You actually put some thought into which live snake you want cooked for
your meal
– You eat soup with chopsticks
– you use Kleenex for table napkins
– You drink warm sodas and find them refreshing
– You are accustomed to seeing people’s heads popping up and down in the VCD
you are watching
– You no longer use articles when you speak
– you bargain with the grocer over the cost of a head of lettuce
– You no longer check the expiration date on the milk you just bought.
– You buy a movie that hasn’t been released theatrically yet at home.
– You comment that the pollution “isn’t really that bad…”
– You start wearing a face mask on windy days and wonder at the “silly
foreigners” who don’t do the same
– You complain about that price difference of DVDs/VCDs/CDs bought in the
stores and on the streets
– You start to wonder if the chocolate ice cream you find in the store is
even chocolate… sure it is brown, but…
– You can’t find face lotion or cleanser that does not bleach your skin
whiter….
You have a collection of Umbrellas
-You have actually gone shopping in your pajamas
-You give a beggar a handful of fen and he gives them back
– You have trouble sleeping when you go home for a visit because it’s just
too darn quiet
– You point out foreigners to your Chinese friends even though you’re
foreign yourself.
– You know words in Chinese for which you don’t know the translation in
English
– You answer ‘China’ when people ask where you’re from
– You pick your nose, burp, fart, and scratch so much even your Chinese
friends get embarrassed
– You get a discount if you speak English, but you pay more for Putonghua (Mandarin)
– You call home and your family tell you to speak faster and stop correcting
their grammar
– You eat cake with chopsticks
– You constantly wonder if everything has been boiled long enough.
– You answer ‘So is mine.’ when people say their English is so poor
– You answer ‘Into what?’ when people say China is developing
– You convince yourself that it doesn’t matter how dirty the cooks’ hands
are, cooking will fix it
– If there are only 4 screaming children running around the classroom, you
consider it a good primary class.
– If there are only 4 students sleeping, you consider it a good middle
school class.
– If there are only 4 cell phone addicted college students messaging its a good class.
– You love tofu because there’s nothing to spit out and it doesn’t have any
taste
– You start saying things like:’ ‘I very like’
– You hold hands with others of the same sex and think nothing of it
– You avoid touching those of opposite sex like they have bird flu
– You’ve got a pre-paid ticket with a reserved seat on a train or
plane, but you still run like mad to to the get there first
– You forget that vegetable soup is actually pesticide broth
– Smoking is doing less harm to your lungs than breathing
– You’re beginning to like fruit salad and mayonnaise
— Everyone wants to be your friend – all you have to do is teach them
English for free
– Everyone wants to teach you Chinese by speaking to you in English
– Your Chinese lessons consist of 50 words your teacher wants to know in
English
– You tell people you don’t understand, so they write it for you – in
Chinese.
– Your boss thinks you’re a stupid foreigner if you let him cheat you, but
thinks you’re a bad foreigner if you don’t
– Your boss speaks really good English until you ask for more money
– You have no qualms that someone who thinks you’re stupid and gullible has
total control over your life.
– You too think that the ugliest western man always has a beautiful Chinese girlfriend.
– A hike up a mountain calls for a plastic grocery bag full of junk food.
— The more you listen to the news, the more uninformed you are
– It fascinates you that when the national news is on, your forty TV channels magically become the
same channel.
– Absolutely everything that can possibly be eaten is in some way good for
your health.
– Only five minutes of prep time for a unannounced class no longer fazes you
— Your housekeeper throws out the chicken breast you have marinating in
garlic and olive oil but organizes your empty beer bottles and cans and you understand
– You leave your laundry hanging up for more than a day its dirtier than it
was before you washed it
And my favorite:
– You actually believe you’re here to teach English